Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
I know I’ve spoken before in one of my previous episodes (I believe it was #76) about the difference between Attention and Affection but today I want to delve further into how easy it is to mistake Attention for Love (which is something I’ve done myself).
I think as human beings (both men and women), having someone give you their attention can be one the best feelings in the world. When it becomes problematic is when the emphasis is SO high on that one component that we find ourselves settling on other behaviors within the relationship.
For me personally, after my divorce was final (which was about 6 years ago) I found myself parched and dying of thirst when it came to “attention”. It was not a healthy place for me to be but, as part of my Healing Journey, it sure did provide me with a wonderful Life Lesson. I placed so much emphasis on wanting to have Attention in my next relationship, after my divorce, that I chose to “ignore” the red flags I was seeing. It’s like being a diabetic and still wanting the luscious piece of cake that you know isn’t good for you. We negotiate.
My whole Life, I had always received lots of attention and affection from men. It made me feel important, chosen (which was not necessarily true), and desired. I was a great arm piece. It’s what I was used to and that’s how things always unfolded for me in relationships. I thought that if I was receiving those two things from a man, surely he loved me. I had been mistaken. That simply wasn’t true. Craving Attention puts you in a position of being willing to sacrifice your needs and desires and put others first. You forget you.
Giving someone Attention is the easy part and it asks very little. It’s usually non-committal and satisfies laziness, curiosity, boredom, and even the desire to feel wanted. Love on the other hand is more serious. It is consistent even over time, it’s quiet and steady. It is protective, considerate and respectful. Love asks you to stay, even when it’s not easy, and staying requires an emotional depth (from both parties) that Attention does not.
As with anything, there is always Healthy and Unhealthy. Healthy Attention involves supporting personal growth in the other person, respecting their boundaries and empowering them within the relationship. Unhealthy Attention, which is a behavioral pattern, can show up as neediness (which can be excessive), manipulation, transactional, or just lots of drama. At the very least, Unhealthy Attention is toxic. It’s temporary and conditional based upon your behavior or responses.
It is so incredibly easy to get caught up in someone’s attention. Lord knows I’ve been there. It feels good, it feels damn good. It makes you feel special, even for just a little while. Just because someone enjoys your Presence does not mean they are capable of loving you well. Some are just good at the game of seduction.
Perhaps you are one of those people who have been fortunate enough to have navigated carefully through the mine field of Attention vs. Love and escaped unscathed. I’m pretty sure you’re in the minority. I don’t regret the choices I’ve made or the experiences I’ve learned from in the world of romantic relationships. I certainly have a depth of wisdom today that I never would have had without those very important lessons. I suppose it’s one of the reasons that I want to encourage each and every one of you to really take a deep dive into your own self and answer the question: Are you seeking Attention or Love?
Sharing your Life with someone goes above and beyond the Attention they give to you or you give to them. Make sure whoever you are involved with it’s Healthy for both of you. This is where understanding the difference between Attention and real Love is crucial.
Simply caring about someone and giving them your attention is much easier than allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to Love. If you can’t do that safely within your relationship, it’s time to re-evaluate what, who, and why you are involved with. Remember, Attention always feels nice especially in the beginning. Love stays even when no one is watching.
You deserve the WHOLE cake, not just the crumbs!
