Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. So today, I want to talk about Boundaries….Healthy Boundaries.
Healthy Boundaries are important in ALL aspects of our life, not just romantic relationships. They are important in the work place, within families and friends, and even in our hobbies. Without them, it gives people “free reign” into your time, energy and your general well-being. In other words, there are no limits and trust me, toxic people LOVE that!
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, establishing healthy boundaries begins with understanding your worth and the ability to self reflect. Many times, there are beautiful characteristics within each of us that, if left unguarded, are easy targets for exploitation. I’m not saying that you have to build high walls with a moat around yourself, but you do need to understand that not everyone deserves access to you. This was something I had to learn.
In my case, one of the things I had to become aware of, and eventually rein in, was my over giving (lack of boundaries) in relationships. Being able to say NO and mean it without feeling guilty was a growth opportunity for me. It was common for me to put the other person ahead of my own wellbeing and “carry” the relationship. This was mostly due to the fact that I disliked disappointing anyone. Unfortunately, I was very good at shrinking. Hard lessons teach us the most.
In order to value someone’s healthy boundaries without becoming offended, it takes maturity. I’m not talking about someone who is attempting to manipulate you by using the word “boundaries”. I’m talking about REAL healthy boundaries that are built on mutual respect that ultimately strengthen the bond in the relationship and protect YOU. Healthy boundaries are the kryptonite to unhealthy connections.
One thing I do want to point out is there is another term floating around that may cause confusion about healthy boundaries. The term is “non-negotiables” (or deal breakers). Though the two are similar, there is a difference. Non-negotiable items are firm, clear limits that hold no room for compromise. One example of this is no tolerance for abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, emotional, financial, etc.). That kind of non-negotiable or deal breaker may result in you leaving the situation altogether. If there is abuse within a work place situation, it may require you to report it (verbally and written) to your boss or to Human Resources for documentation purposes.
A healthy boundary isn’t as rigid. It’s more flexible but respectful. A good example of a healthy boundary is “I’d like to share my perspective without interruption”. This boundary is useful when a discussion gets intense or you are with someone who constantly interrupts or tries to control the conversation. If someone gets angry about a statement like that, it says a lot about them.
In order for you to establish healthy boundaries, you first need to understand WHY it’s so hard for you to do so. If you lift the lid to find out the WHY, you’ll usually find FEAR. Fear of being a bad person, fear of being misunderstood or fear of losing something or someone because of your boundaries. Many of us when we were children were taught that to be “good” meant we keep people happy (even at our own expense). The good news is that you can learn healthier ways to deal with difficult people while maintaining self-respect.
Getting along with various personalities is never easy but we can (and should) learn how to communicate our “lines in the sand”. Setting boundaries isn’t necessarily a one way street. You may also encounter others that have established their own healthy boundaries. It’s one of the reasons they are so important. It offers the opportunity for reciprocity when it comes to maturity, respect, trust and healthier communication within relationships. I think that’s something we all want, right?
Remember: It’s OK to say no. It’s OK for someone to be disappointed with you. It’s OK if they want to walk away because your requirement for respect is too much.
You deserve more than crumbs. You deserve a seat at the table.
Healthy Boundaries….have them. Just deliver them with respect.
