Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
Today what I want to talk about is Attention is not Affection. What a statement. Do you misinterpret attention for affection? I know I did and it never turned out well. As a matter of fact, it attracts toxic, low vibration energy people.
If this is something you think you do too, stick with me here as we talk about what attention looks like vs. what affection looks like in relationships.
First, let’s start with Attention.
I’ll admit (hopefully you do too) that receiving attention from another person (or giving it) when it comes to romantic relationships FEELS GOOD. This attentive energy makes you feel noticed and externally validated. It’s usually temporary and surface level (think flirting). In the beginning stages of meeting someone, it’s exciting to exchange compliments and engage in constant communication. It can be very addictive, leaving you wanting more especially if you’ve been emotionally starved. This is the slippery slope. Attention becomes unhealthy when the other person (or you) enjoys receiving it way more than creating an emotional bond. It’s easy to give and requires no cost. There is little investment or effort and it usually isn’t sustainable over the long haul (meaning it WILL fade). Attention alone does not equal love. It’s simply an emotional “feel good” drug.
Affection on the other hand affects your nervous system in a good way. You feel calm, safe and clear headed (not second guessing yourself). When someone is truly showing you Affection, you will feel valued and chosen (not just noticed or lusted after). They are not with you for what you can provide but for WHO you are. Showing Affection requires emotional maturity and vulnerability. It means they respect you, truly want to get to know you and are willing to grow with you. Affection is not manipulative, afraid of effort or commitment. Affection invests. It will not fade.
While both of these characteristics are important in a relationship, we can get into trouble when we mistake one for the other. There is a clear difference between someone wanting you (Affection) and someone wanting to be wanted by you (the Attention seeker). This is where I got into trouble. Coming from an abusive narcissistic marriage which left me emotionally starving, it didn’t take much effort from the person in the new relationship to make me feel “wanted”. I melted at the smallest gesture of “kindness”. I absolutely thought the “Attention” I was receiving was “Affection” until one day I realized it wasn’t. That’s the moment I understood HE was the one getting “off” on the Attention HE was receiving. I did not feel loved in that relationship. I felt used.
Learning how to decipher the difference between receiving Attention from someone and receiving honest, true Affection is something we have to learn (usually the hard way!). As women (I speak for myself) we have a tendency to accept crumbs as a full meal. If someone is a good performer and manipulative in nature (not always easy to spot by the way), they are very good at selling Attention for Affection. Before you know it, they have spun you around so hot and fast that you boarded the wrong train.
So how can we protect ourselves from making this mistake? Well, it all starts with understanding where your wounds are. Awareness brings healing. You can’t become emotionally healthy if you’re not willing to become aware of your unhealthy behavioral patterns and where they originated.
I see now what an easy target I was in the relationship after my divorce. I thought I had healed, which I did, but what I didn’t realize was that there were still lessons for me to learn. I can truthfully say that I’m Grateful for what that last relationship taught me. It allowed me to see where the cracks were within my own self.
I’m still a work in progress and maybe you see yourself that way too. Don’t beat yourself up for the decisions you’ve made in the past. As I tell myself, I’m not who I used to be and I didn’t know back then what I know now.
The important part in all of this is that YOU (and me) are moving forward more Attuned, more Grounded, and with a greater Awareness of why we operate the way we do. Keep learning and keep growing. After all, Life is a Journey.
