Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
A word I’ve heard a lot of, especially in the dating/relationship world (and maybe you have too), is Standards. Apparently, it’s very important to have them and hold fast to them. But what exactly are they?
First off, having Standards when it comes to relationships are designed to protect YOU. Having them means you are setting the bar that determines how you will be treated (valued and respected) within the relationship and I’m not talking about just in the beginning. This is NOT about looking for perfection. It’s about looking for healthy qualities in a person that are AUTHENTIC, not from an imposter with a mask on.
Setting Standards means these are the non-negotiable characteristics or behaviors that you require from a partner. They define what is acceptable for YOU. For example: Emotional maturity, the ability to be self-reflective, interested in personal growth, reciprocity, open and honest communication, Integrity, etc. You get the idea.
Having standards and enforcing them in a relationship are two different things. Often, we start out with a “list” of things we want, or don’t want, in a person. What I see happen, and I’ve done this myself, is we start to negotiate our standards. Maybe we like the attention or the person is very charming and says (or does) all the “right” things. Their sweetness or kindness begins to cloud our thoughts about our standards. We begin to wonder if maybe we were too stringent. Maybe we set the bar too high. I mean, after all, he is a good man and seems to have a good heart. While those thoughts are nice, they aren’t always honest. Our FEELINGS make it very easy for us to get swayed into being more lenient when it comes to our standards. Before you know it, we find ourselves tolerating what we originally said we wouldn’t! It is wise to believe WHO they ARE….not who you want them to be. You don’t need a project!
Something I’ve learned over the years is that people are very good at being performers. I’m talking about the ones who are trying to cover up their true self or are more interested in manipulating you to get what they want. They are experts at data collection and presenting what is enticing to you. I would strongly suggest that you LISTEN to what they are saying. People reveal who they truly are by the comments that they make. Pay attention. Being skeptical is OK. Being curious about “Why did they say that?” is OK. Don’t write everything off as their sense of humor. More Truth has been spoken followed by the words “I’m just kidding”.
If you are the kind of person that struggles with wanting to be liked or wanting the “approval” of others, you may find yourself willing to shrink or become small in the presence of someone you are romantically involved with. If they just see how “good” you are, then surely they will want you in their life. Be careful that you’re not putting so much emphasis on being with someone that you forget that having the wrong person in your life is way worse than being single. The negotiating starts when we are desperate to be in a relationship. We tolerate the small stuff which turns into the bigger stuff. We have abandoned what was once important to us from another person just to have a person. Not cool.
I hate to break it to you but that’s not Love and that will never last the test of time. If someone thinks your bar is too high for them then they are not the right person for you. If they keep trying to see if you’ll accept crumbs instead of a seat at the table, then they are not the right person for you. You see, only YOU can determine what your value is, not someone else. YOU get to decide what you deserve and not from a haughty, arrogant place but from a You know WHO you are place. Trust me, the Energy is different.
I’ll leave you with this…..Relationships are like shoes. You may have to try a few before you find the perfect fit. Just don’t go with the one that looks cool on the outside but doesn’t fit well. If you find yourself wondering if this person is the right one for you, you already have your answer. Confusion and Clarity cannot co-exist. We all know when something doesn’t feel right. Now whether we admit it or not, well that’s another story.
Stop settling. Set the Bar High. Have Standards. You deserve the BEST, not second best.
