Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
Today I want to talk about relationships. They certainly aren’t easy and ending them can prove to be very difficult especially when it comes to romantic ones.
We get so deeply entangled and yet, we usually “know” when it’s not the right one for us. Against our own intuition, we focus on the “potential” and spend months or even years hoping for change but alas, that day never comes and we are left pondering “should I end this?”
If you were to ask me “should I end my relationship”, my response would be it depends.
It depends on WHY you are in the relationship in the first place and WHAT you are afraid of losing if you leave.
First, let’s talk about the WHY…
There are a lot of reasons as to WHY we enter into a relationship but mostly it’s because we’ve decided we want to share our Life with someone. Unfortunately, a lot of us don’t uphold our own standards (or have any at all) in the selection process. Instead, we gravitate towards wealth, security, physical attraction, infatuation or he’s just a kind, easy going guy.
While those aren’t horrible things to look for, it becomes tricky when we exchange emotions for standards. That’s usually when we find ourselves in a mismatch. Bringing your own unresolved issues, or theirs, into a relationship is never a healthy position to try and build a foundation on. It WILL crumble over time. I’m not saying you (or them) have to be perfect to enter into a relationship but I DO believe you need to be clear on what your standards are and what’s important to you over the long haul as far as values go.
So if you begin to notice unresolved issues in the relationship, is it possible to heal while in it? The answer is Yes, if both parties are committed to doing the necessary individual work. Unfortunately, there are times when only one person is willing to do the work and the other party has no interest in doing so. That was my story. In the midst of a toxic abusive relationship, I chose to Heal (he did not) and it gave me the Courage to finally leave.
I can’t stress this enough….Healing brings clarity.
So, getting back to the WHY; whether we want to admit it or not our past, and who we’ve become because of it, influences the people we’re attracted to and get involved with. I would encourage you to sit with the WHY question for a bit and get real honest with yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you’ll learn.
Ok, so now it’s time to talk about WHAT you’re afraid of losing if you end the relationship?
When you think about ending the relationship what is it that gives you angst? Is it the loss of financial security? Being alone or afraid you aren’t going to find someone else? Being out of your comfort zone? Giving up your living space? Are you afraid it will make you feel like you failed or are unlovable?
Facing the Truth about your fears is scary in itself but I would pose this question to you….is it worth sacrificing yourself and your Peace? Is staying in a relationship that you know in your heart isn’t the right one worth the cost to your Soul especially over time? That voice within that keeps poking at you telling you something isn’t right can’t be silenced forever. If you continue to ignore it, you’ll find yourself settling for someone who wasn’t meant for you in the first place. Not everyone is meant to be in your Life forever. Some are lessons (for our own personal growth) that are just passing through. Not facing the Truth keeps you holding onto something that has already expired. It’s about LEARNING to let go because it’s the right thing to do for both of you.
We all have our own Journey that we’re on as we experience this thing we call Life. Some of us will desire to have a greater understanding and awareness of ourselves and some will not. Whatever the case may be for you, I want to remind you that it’s not your job to love someone else’s wounds away. You don’t have that kind of Power. We are each responsible for OWN selves. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need anyone to “complete” you. You are a WHOLE person all by yourself.
I hope you give some honest thought to your situation and may you find Bravery if you need it especially if you’re navigating the land of “what if’s”.
You deserve better than what you’re getting. But hey, you already know that J
