Dontbeacrumqueen

I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.

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Dontbeacrumqueen

Finding Your Person

February 24, 2025 • Sher • Episode 65

Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.

So I’ve been thinking lately about this whole “single and wanting to meet someone” position many of us find ourselves in.

Those thoughts inspired some questions.

Why do we want to meet someone? Why is it so important? Is it pressure from society? Are we just lonely? Do we want financial stability from a partner? What is the real reason behind the want?

Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.

So I’ve been thinking lately about this whole “single and wanting to meet someone” position many of us find ourselves in.

Those thoughts inspired some questions.

Why do we want to meet someone? Why is it so important? Is it pressure from society? Are we just lonely? Do we want financial stability from a partner? What is the real reason behind the want?

Aside from the general “hook-up”, I believe many people are unknowingly looking for someone to soothe wounds they may not even be aware they have. They hunt for someone who will make them laugh, feel loved, valued and important. They search for that person who will take away the deafening silence of being single and alone. While those reasons are not inherently bad, they can lead you down an unfulfilling road if you haven’t provided them to yourself first. It’s never the job of someone else to make you feel better about yourself. THAT is your job and your job alone. Leaning on someone else to make you feel whole is a slippery slope.

Taking the time in your single life to heal and become the fullness of WHO you were created to be is an incredible experience if you let it be. It doesn’t mean you won’t be lonely at times but you also will have all the time in the world to get curious about what makes YOU tick.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we have ALL been influenced and molded by our pasts even as far back as our childhood. You may think you are just fine and you don’t have any issues and if that’s TRUE, then I need to meet you and shake your hand because there is not one person on this planet who has not been through some level of heartache and pain. The key is being able to identify those things and allow healing so those wounds can become scars. After all, scars don’t bleed.

When it comes to finding the right person to be your partner, I think there’s a big misunderstanding about the speed in which you should get to know each other. Love bombing, for example, has a turbo speed to it. This tactic is designed to sweep you off your feet and keep the speed so fast you can’t think about what’s happening. I won’t lie, the love bombing feels fabulous especially if you are coming from a place of lack, but it is oh so dangerous! Red flags that you seem to notice zip on by as you are distracted by honey dripped words.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there is also taking way too much time or staying in the comfort of the “friend zone”. If you have no romantic feelings with that person and all you want is to be friends, then that’s cool! If, however, you really want a romantic relationship but the commitment needed to get there is a bit scary to you, it could be why you opt to stay “friends”. It’s safer.

The key to your success in a relationship will lie in how willing you are to be honest with yourself about WHY you are in it. Healthy Love stretches us to grow personally (I’m not talking toxic behaviors here). It will hold us accountable and create space for us to be vulnerably humbled. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be the only one carrying a relationship anymore, it’s exhausting. Been there, done that, not looking for a repeat and it’s not a healthy foundation. It’s built on codependence and it won’t survive the distance.

I believe, we owe it to ourselves to be in our best possible (healthiest) version before we enter a relationship. I’m not saying don’t get involved with someone until you are fully healed because with every experience we have, we are offered an opportunity to heal more. I’m encouraging you to do the self reflecting, do the hard shadow work. Get deep inside yourself and find out what you are all about and what you really want. If we aren’t careful, we CAN attract unhealthy people and it’s not your job to help get them healthy. That depends solely on whether that person wants to do the hard work. You can encourage them and support them but they have to walk that road alone just like you did.

We all deserve to be Loved well. So start by giving that Gift to Yourself. Don’t look for it in someone else.