Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
So, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the word Love or even the words “I Love You” and what they mean. We all have a different interpretation and it is largely colored by what we did or did not receive growing up. There are also different kinds of love. Love for a parent, sibling or family member. Love for a friend or even a platonic love within a relationship. None of those are bad, they are just all different.
I believe we were created to Love and to be Loved. Receiving Love may be challenging for you if you didn’t feel loved growing up or if the “love” you did experience was not the healthy kind. If that’s the case, you’re going to have to begin by learning to love yourself. No one else is going to be able to make you feel safe enough to feel Loved. It starts with you.
It’s not uncommon when people are dating to find themselves chasing after love, or should I say the FEELING of being in love (which is usually infatuation). In that capacity, love is tied to an emotion. A feeling that brings warmth and acceptance, especially from others. Let’s face it, it’s nice, ok really nice to feel desired, wanted, and sought after by someone. A sense of finally belonging. I mean who wouldn’t want that? The problem is that version of “love” will never be enough to sustain a relationship. Because YOU are coming from a place of lack and you’re looking for someone else to validate you. Your security is being provided by a relationship, not from within yourself. In my opinion, this is an unhealthy version of love that breeds codependence.
When we are so hungry for our pain, emptiness and loneliness to disappear, we can fall into the trap of sacrificing ourselves in the name of love. We begin to overlook characteristics or behaviors that are not a healthy representation of Love. We hear those three magical words “I Love You” and we think this is it! I’ve found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! But did you?
Here’s the thing. Love is not only a noun but it’s also a verb. It’s a word of ACTION. It goes beyond just saying “I Love You”. It’s also represented in the way someone is treating you OVER TIME. Anyone can be kind and caring especially in the beginning of a relationship or if someone is trying to get you back after a break up. Love is consistent. Love is effort and a willingness to grow as a person. A lot of people can be very charismatic and seductive but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they love you (even if they say it). It probably means they are just very good at making you FEEL loved without actually taking a lot of action to support it. That may feel great in the moment but it won’t make the long haul.
With all the wounded people out there throwing the “I Love You” words around hoping to catch something in the net they are casting, it’s not easy to discern the Truth. That’s why toxic abusers say “I Love You” after they have unleashed their venom on their victim. They know those three words will keep them hooked so the person won’t leave.
Having a strong understanding of what Love looks like for you is crucial. Know your standards on how you should be treated and watch for consistency over time. Be careful about what you’re turning a blind eye to in the name of love. Be careful that you don’t fall prey to the three little words that mean something to you and something completely different to someone else.
Love should be two healthy, whole people coming together in a partnership to build a life together.
You deserve the BEST, not second best.
