Today I wanted to share some thoughts regarding manipulation when it comes to relationships. This is something near and dear to my heart, probably because I’ve personally experienced it (in two completely different ways) in my past relationships.
When it comes to manipulation, no one really likes to admit it’s happening to them, especially when it comes to a romantic partner. We like to believe we’re too smart to be manipulated and we would detect it right away. That would never happen to me, right? Not necessarily.
If I were to ask you to describe what manipulation looks like in a relationship, you may state the obvious characteristics like intimidation, power and control. While those are definitely good examples of LOUD, toxic, red flags there are more subtle signs that take us longer to catch on to, especially if we’ve experienced the behavior before.
The goal of any manipulator, whether it’s obvious or subtle tactics, is to get their needs met. The idea is to create confusion within you (or as I like to call it a “fog”) which causes you to doubt yourself. Passive-Aggressive behavior is a favorite weapon of choice. Unfortunately, individuals who are empathetic, compassionate, people pleasers or do-gooder people find themselves easy targets for such behavior.
As I said before, while manipulative tactics vary they aren’t always easy to spot. For example, let’s take being kind. It seems like a very good, caring quality (which by the way it is) but depending on the intent behind the behavior, it can become manipulative. In other words, if there is something the other person will benefit from by being kind to you, then the intent is selfish NOT selfless. Using guilt is another common “subtle” tactic. The manipulator enjoys using this method because they shift the focus (or blame) onto you which creates a guilty (usually false guilt) feeling for you. This frees the manipulator to carry on without facing any accountability for their actions. Comments such as “after everything I’ve done for you” followed by some level of criticism of how ungrateful you are or “if you really loved me you would do x (fill in the blank). These tactics are designed to target your compassion and people pleasing characteristics so they get what they want. It puts the manipulator in the “Martyr” or “Victim” seat which makes it really hard for you to “not feel bad” because the last thing you want to do is hurt them.
Mission accomplished.
The thing about manipulation is over time your partner can cause you to wonder if your expectations are too high. What I mean by that is they can make you feel like your needs (or requests) are too much or unrealistic leaving you to ignore what’s important to you (whether those are big or small things) in a relationship. In doing so, you may notice your life being quietly reorganized to accommodate your partner’s preferences.
Being in a relationship where you are being manipulated is not healthy….period. It doesn’t matter if you are aware of it or not or if it’s reached the abusive stage. It is absolutely SELFISH and immature behavior that will stunt the growth of the relationship.
SEEING manipulation in a relationship is going to require you to stop making excuses for their behavior and be willing to be honest about what’s happening. A manipulator isn’t going to change; neither will the spots on a leopard. They have used these tactics because they have worked.
You get to choose whether or not you’re going to continue to subject yourself to manipulation (which by the way will get worse over time) or if you’re going to set healthy boundaries to protect your self-worth.
It’s up to you. I hope you are able to look fear in the face and choose well.
