Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
Loving yourself enough to put yourself first. Well if that isn’t something we’ve heard our whole life, how it is incredibly selfish to do. Not only is that an untrue statement but it is imperative for us to do so.
If you’ve lived long enough, you have undoubtedly crossed paths with, or have been in a relationship with, a selfish person and let’s agree, it’s not pretty. It’s one sided, toxic, and exhausting.
When I talk about loving yourself enough to put YOU first, there’s a big difference between doing that in a healthy way vs. loving yourself in a very self-centered way. When you are selfish, you take advantage of others solely for your benefit (manipulation is a word that comes to mind). You have a sense of entitlement and you don’t help others unless of course you are going to get acknowledged and praised for it. A selfish person is always the “taker” in relationships and if they do give, trust me, there’s always a catch (like now you owe me).
Loving yourself in a healthy way means you’ve established strong boundaries and your well-being is a protected priority. You listen to your mind and body and you choose to live in such a way that brings you Peace. You don’t feel guilty for taking the time to rest, recharging your battery and cleaning out the cobwebs in your head. As a matter of fact, you’ve learned alone time is a guarded MUST and believe me, everyone needs it (even kids), whether they admit it or not.
Life isn’t always easy and I realize that many of you are balancing several demands all at one time. I’m sure you’re thinking, oh right, when do I have the time to devote to myself? Well, you can start by UNLEARNING the need to always be “productive”. Even God rested on the 7th day! It’s not your job to be everything to everyone. There is no greater way to become burned out than by overextending yourself because YOU have shouldered responsibilities that belong to others. What would happen if you weren’t there to handle it, they’d figure it out, right?
When you’ve been putting others ahead of yourself for a long time, number one, it’s going to be difficult for you to change lanes and they aren’t going to be happy because you are suddenly changing the rules. You may have to ask for help or say “no” when they try to get you to take care of what belongs to them. By allowing capable individuals to take care of their own business, you will free up time to indulge in things that bring YOU Joy. It’s called balancing the scales. That may be some quiet time with a good book (undisturbed) or a walk out in nature. It could mean treating yourself to a massage or getting together with friends for dinner. Whatever it is for you, DO THAT!
I find this is something women definitely struggle with, I’m not saying men don’t. For me personally, I started to step back and get curious as to why this was so difficult for me to put into practice. I realized I never really had any help along the way or someone I could rely on. I was a single married person (check out My Story on my podcast for more details) and my parents lived about an hour away. My mother was good at making me feel like she was doing me a favor by watching my daughter so I could do something for myself so I didn’t ask often. I didn’t like feeling indebted to her if you know what I mean. I learned quickly not to rely on anyone else for help. I’ll handle it, I told myself. And that I did.
Looking back, I can say that I did myself a great disservice by having that kind of a mindset. Instead of working on healthy boundaries and saying no, I did the opposite. I shouldered it all. I was working full-time, raising a daughter, and taking care of a small farmette with livestock and I operated on an empty tank most of the time (my mother would say burning the candle at both ends). When you are doing that, trust me you are no good to anyone, including yourself. Resentment; irritability; and lack of focus are only some of the results from pushing when you have nothing left to give not to mention how it affects your physical health.
In the midst of my darkest days, I did hit a crossroad though. Out of absolute exhaustion, I began taking a little time for me. I would drive to a local dirt road, at lunchtime, near where I worked and I’d park my vehicle near a creek. I’d put down my window and just listen to the water as I took long, deep breaths. THAT was the day I began to learn how to fill up my tank.
I’m happy to say that I’m much better today at saying no but I’m still trying to balance my “Get’r Done” attitude. I have to remind myself that my partner is not a mind reader and isn’t always going to pick up on the fact that I feel overwhelmed or overloaded. It’s up to ME (and YOU), to use our VOICE and ask for help or hold the line when it comes to our boundaries. No one else is going to take better care of you than YOU. Make yourself a priority. You deserve it.
