Dontbeacrumqueen

I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.

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Dontbeacrumqueen

Standing Up For Yourself

July 24, 2023 • Sher • Episode 46

Standing up for yourself. What an awesome concept, right? Easy? Not really. Uncomfortable, yes! Something you can learn? Absolutely.

Despite common beliefs, standing up for yourself does NOT mean you’re a bitch. Quite the contrary. It means you’ve arrived at this place in Life where you know who you are and what you’ll tolerate from others in the way that they treat you. You’ve realized your Worth and the importance of guarding your heart. Drawing a line in the sand shows maturity, evolution, and healing on your part.

Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.

Standing up for yourself. What an awesome concept, right? Easy? Not really. Uncomfortable, yes! Something you can learn? Absolutely.

We generally fall into one of three categories when interacting with others.

1) Passive. Being Passive means you lack healthy boundaries. You focus heavily on the feelings and needs of others often at your own expense. You put YOU, last. You’ll feel taken advantage of due to your lack of balance when it comes to your kindness and compassion. Your greatest learning will require you to be intentional about changing your people pleasing nature and start looking out for YOUR well-being. You’re going to have to get comfortable with setting healthy boundaries, that’s a must. Start off with saying the word “no”. Now, when you do that, just remember, this is going to bring resistance from those who could manipulate you to get what they wanted. They’re not going to like it and they’re going to try to make you feel like you’re being an unkind person. That is not true. Stick to your guns and stay strong. You’re also going to have to drop the need to apologize or over-explain yourself. When you say no, you can simply say “no” or “no thank you”. You don’t have to go into this whole big description as to why you are saying no. You won’t gain respect from others if you don’t have any for yourself.

2) Assertive. This is the healthiest form of communication. Being Assertive is a direct but non-confrontational way of communicating. It means you’re aware of your wants and needs and you can share that in such a way that you’re not lashing out emotionally and causing others to go on the defense. You maintain good eye contact. You’re confident, direct, and honest while respecting the feelings and ideas of others. You listen to them without interrupting and you’re willing to compromise. You do not take the stance that it is your way or the highway.

3) Aggressive. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you most likely are very familiar with this type of communication because it is the one used the most by abusers.

Being Aggressive in your communication indicates that your wants, needs or feelings are the only thing that matters. You tend to bulldoze (or bully) others as you push your point of view. Your disrespectful tone often carries criticism and dominating remarks. The goal in this type of communication is to tear down the other party. People that use this style become easily frustrated and you’ll hear their voice continue to get louder and louder. They like to be in control and are often unwilling to compromise. There’s only one way and it is their way because after all, they know best.

Learning how to communicate in a way that doesn’t leave you feeling stressed is SO important for your well-being.

If you think about it, we communicate all day long. Whether it’s with family members, friends, work relationships, in a marriage or in a romantic relationship. We are communicating all the time.

It’s probably going to take some UN-learning on your part if you have either an aggressive style or a passive style of communicating on how to get a little bit healthier in the way you interact with people. It takes time and practice but it will be well worth it and your stress level will go down.

One tip I can give you if you want to learn how to have good, assertive communication skills is to work on using the “I” statements instead of “you” statements which can feel accusatory. For example, calmly saying “I disagree” instead of “You are wrong” it will have a much better affect on the relationship. You are simply stating how you feel without putting the other person on the defense.

None of this will matter, however, if you don’t first address any low self-esteem issues that you may have. Learning to be assertive is going to take confidence, not cockiness. True confidence allows you to be open and honest as well as staying calm if the other party becomes reactive.

I personally have found that maintaining a positive, upbeat, non-accusatory tone when you need to stand up for yourself usually disarms the defensive stance of the other person. After all, you’re not trying to tear them down and you’re not fighting to get your way. You are simply stating your thoughts. That practice has worked well for me and I hope you give it a try. You just might be surprised at the results!