Dontbeacrumqueen

I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.

All Episodes

Dontbeacrumqueen

Are You With the Right Person?

July 04, 2023 • Sher • Episode 45

Today I want to chat about being with the right person for YOU in a relationship. I don’t know about you but I have several people in my life who are with someone and find themselves wondering if they’re really with the right person for them.

I think the majority of people who are in relationships are looking for a life partner. Sure, you are going to run into people who are serial daters and have no interest in commitment but most of us want something long-term with the right person. I mean who wants to spend a lot of time investing in a relationship with the wrong person although, we do it.

Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.

When it comes to love, I think we’ve all been guilty of romanticizing it and we don’t always make the right choices when it comes to people. Lord knows I’ve made my share of mistakes in the relationship world but being with someone who isn’t right for you is a really lonely place to be even if it’s not an abusive relationship. Trust me I know what I’m talking about.

While I don’t believe there is a perfect relationship, before you skip off into the sunset searching for love, just make sure you’ve done the hard work within yourself of healing and being in a mature, healthy place emotionally and mentally. One of the things I see happens is that too many people hop from one relationship to the next. So one didn’t work out for whatever reason and the new shiny toy comes along and they think ooh, this might be the one without stepping back, looking at themselves and asking some curious questions. I think you have to remember that you attract what you are. If you are in an unhealthy place, you are most likely going to attract someone else who is in an unhealthy place.

I can’t stress this next point enough and I think it’s a place where a lot of people, I’m going to say fail. Know what you want in a relationship. You have to be SO crystal clear on what is important to you in a relationship that you are not going to overlook anything. You’re not going to let something get by you. You’re not going to settle. There are certain things that must BE for you in a relationship. That could be financial stability, it could be intimacy, or it could just be you sticking to your deal breakers. Things that you know you will not tolerate in a relationship. If you’re simply chasing “feel good” emotions, you’re going to end up disappointed. Finding the right person is so much more than lustful physical attraction or just having a warm body to share your life with. It’s worth taking the time to do it right. Stick to your guns on what’s important and at the same time explore yourself.

I personally no longer believe in love at first sight. I know a lot of people do and that’s great. I believe in Love growing over time. The more you get to know that person, the more you get to see their soul. That is what becomes attractive. When you’ve met someone who is right for you, it feels like you’ve known them your whole life. There’s a draw that you feel towards them beyond the sexual chemistry. It’s at a soul level. There’s something about them that just brings you comfort. They feel like “home” and you connect on a higher level with them than you ever have felt before. The relationship is easier than expected, almost effortless and both of you are highly satisfied. Your likes and dislikes are in sync which will continue to build over time and not fade. You’re able to be yourself. That was a big one for me that I could freely be myself, not who he wanted me to be, but to actually BE ME. Real, mature Love raises your vibration. You find yourself walking in a higher level of awareness which leads to becoming a better version of yourself. It truly is a time of physical, mental, and spiritual growth, together.

In the right relationship, there is also no game playing. There’s no controlling, there’s no manipulation, there’s no self absorbed agendas on where you want this to go. You both let it unfold naturally and there’s no rush or pressure to hit the next big “milestone”. Instead, you’ve created a safe place where you both can relax and just enjoy the Journey. You are loved, desired and wanted with this person. Deep in your heart, you can envision a future with them and you know (without a doubt) that you want to be with them. The excitement and energy lasts beyond the honeymoon phase.

When you’re not with the right person for you (this is totally aside from an abusive situation which is a whole different ball game), things are very different. While they seem like a really nice person and you enjoy being with them, there is just something that feels “off”. No matter what you do, you just can’t seem to shake that feeling. Despite some of your continued concerns, you keep telling yourself maybe this could work. You find yourself justifying over and over the reason why you are in it. Whether you are justifying to yourself, family members, friends or coworkers, you just almost keep trying to sell yourself on the fact that maybe this really could work. I’m here to tell you that if you have to work that hard to convince yourself that they are “the one” then they are NOT the right person for you. They may be the right person for someone else but not the right person for you. You are going to find yourself emotionally drained because you’re trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

I’m not telling you to get out of a relationship you’re currently in but if you have a check in your gut at all and you are asking yourself “is this person the right person for me?” I would encourage you to listen to it. Get curious as to why things seem “off”. Maybe you already know why they feel off because there is an element to the relationship that does not sit well with you and you are just trying to accept it when you know that it’s something you never wanted to have in a relationship.

Whatever the case may be, relationships are NOT a place to settle. If there is anything you walk away with after listening to this I hope it is that you are worth having someone in your life who is good for you and right for you. A lifetime is forever so make sure if you are hitching your wagon to someone, they are the best possible person FOR YOU!

You deserve it!