Manipulators and Why We Attract Them

Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast.  My name is Sher and I’m your host.

In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Manipulators and Why We Attract Them”.  If you’ve ever been in a dysfunctional, abusive or toxic relationship there is a reason why this type of person was attracted to you.  They are emotional manipulators.

So why do we attract these emotional manipulators?   

Transcript

Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast.  My name is Sher and I’m your host.

 In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Manipulators and Why We Attract Them”.  If you’ve ever been in a dysfunctional, abusive or toxic relationship there is a reason why this type of person was attracted to you.  They are emotional manipulators.

 So why do we attract these emotional manipulators?   The biggest reason a toxic person is attracted to you is because of WHO you are.  You’re an empathetic person with a beautiful, loving heart.  You are filled with compassion and have a nurturing disposition.  You truly CARE about people, maybe even a little too much.  Unfortunately, you probably haven’t learned how to set healthy boundaries and are operating like a Savior.  The more wounded the other person is, the more you come to the rescue.  That is EXACTLY what the emotional manipulator is looking for, whether it is consciously or sub-consciously, YOU are the pot of gold at the bottom of the rainbow.  Their “victim” approach keeps you wearing the super hero cape and, if truth be told, it makes you feel needed.

 Setting healthy boundaries is crucial, not only for our own well being but also for the health of our relationships.  When they aren’t in place we “over give” and the scales become unbalanced.  You put everyone else ahead of your own needs.  It’s a common behavior for individuals who are people pleasers and I should know.  I mean, we LIVE for their acceptance.  They know it and they love it.  It is a toxic person’s paradise.  

 Chances are you’ve had a tendency to attract, or be attracted to, what is familiar.  If you step back and look at your past relationships, you’ll start to see the pattern.  They may have been different people, but they all had similar characteristics.  Your role in those relationships never changed.  You were constantly trying to take either care of them or “save them” which allowed you some level of control.  Dysfunctional felt comfortable while “healthy” felt scary.  Experiencing balanced scales in a relationship (a true partnership) is something you weren’t used to, just like not having control.

 Skilled emotional manipulators have spent a lifetime learning how to get what they want.  They appear charming, sweet, kind, caring and even helpful in the beginning.  They learn quickly what you are desperate for in a relationship and they use it to their advantage.  Your loneliness is a sweet fragrance to an emotional manipulator.  They’ll push the envelope time and time again trying to position you exactly where they want you.  They may use intimidation, threats or passive-aggressive behavior when it comes to affection.  They will either pour it on to try and soften you up (because they know how much affection means to you) or they’ll withhold it as punishment.  It’s all done to exploit your goodness in an effort to keep you doubting your own intuition, to keep you feeling guilty and keep you staying submissive.

 So how can WE stop the attraction to someone who just wants to hurt us so they can get their way?  The first step is to STOP ignoring the red flags!  You had a “check” in your gut from the beginning and you continued to hold on to the hope that they would change or that you could change them.  They won’t and you can’t.  They’ve clearly shown you WHO they are.  Having someone IS NEVER better than having no one.  Don’t let fear keep you in a relationship you know is not good for you.   

 Instead, work on your self-esteem so you get to the place where you believe you deserve to have someone who treats you well regardless of your past experiences.  Stop settling for trash.  If someone has an issue with you having standards in the way you desire to be treated, then they are NOT the one for you!  You deserve to be loved well so set that bar high, enforce healthy boundaries, and quit entertaining the low-life takers! 

 Lastly, develop an awareness of what you’ve been attracted to before and be intentional about staying away from that.  If you’re always attracted to a “victim” so you can be the Savior, look for the opposite.  Wait for someone who is mentally and emotionally healthy, stands on their own two feet, and is someone who does not need to be rescued.  It’s going to feel strange for a while because you aren’t used to being treated well but as you continue in your healing Journey you’ll begin to gain Strength.  

 Emotional manipulators (this includes narcissists) won’t hang around if they feel you gaining strength, but you have to be OK with that and if they threaten to leave then let them go.  Sayonara baby.  YOU deserve SO much more.  Wait for it.  It is finding its way to you.  Trust the Process.