Dontbeacrumqueen

I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.

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Dontbeacrumqueen

The Cost of Keeping the Peace

February 20, 2023 • Sher

Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.

In this episode, I’m going to talk about “The Cost of Keeping the Peace” when it comes to relationships. Enduring a toxic abusive relationship for any period of time, whether it is a personal one or even a business one, always comes with a price and unfortunately, YOU are the one who pays it.

Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.

All abusive relationships condition you over time to keep the peace. The abuser’s goal is to use whatever method is necessary to get what they want, including disrespecting your boundaries and wearing you down. Try as you might to stand strong in the face of such tactics, you eventually succumb to the mental exhaustion. You go silent. After all, it’s just easier not to rock the boat, right.

Or is it?

Every time you “keep the peace” a little part of you dies inside. You’re not heard and you’re not seen. You’re simply the mule carrying a heavy burden on a one way road with unmet needs of your own. While I realize there are times when we’re just trying to make the best of a not so great situation, no one is EVER worth sacrificing your own emotional well being. Trust me; I know that all too well.

If you’re a people pleaser (like I was) it’s very easy to fall into the trap of giving in or letting your partner have their way. I don’t believe this is a conscious choice. I think it’s because we’re giving and caring people and we just want the best for the other person. You like it when your partner is happy. It makes you feel good. But what you fail to see is that your desire for their approval has caused the scales of power in the relationship to become unbalanced. There is no reciprocity and pretty soon you to start to feel like you are being taken for granted….because you are.

No one likes conflict but when it comes to relationships it’s something that can’t be avoided. If you try to suppress it (or not deal with it) by “keeping the peace” it will fester below the surface and cause bigger issues down the road. The problem is, when you’re dealing with a bully or an intimidator, it’s not easy to stand up to them especially if they have already laid the foundation of fear within you.

Living at peace with someone is very different from “keeping the peace” with someone. Healthy relationships produce an environment where honesty and trust allow for intimate conversations. A safe place is created where feelings can be shared without control and manipulation. Setting healthy boundaries and having respect for one another help create an authentic connection. These were important things that were sadly missing in my previous relationship.

We shouldn’t have to bite our tongues, walk on eggshells or be afraid to share how we’re feeling in a relationship just so the other person doesn’t get angry or upset. Operating in that kind of capacity will leave you feeling anxious, depressed, frustrated, and feeling trapped. Fear of the person’s anger or hostility takes away your fight or flight response. Instead, you respond by shutting down and waiting for the danger to pass. That my friend, is called being in a manipulative, toxic, abusive relationship and one which you do not deserve.

I always say the beautiful thing about choices is we all get to make them. You get to choose if you want to stay in a toxic environment when it comes to a relationship. When you’ve catered to others for a long period of time, voicing your thoughts and feelings may be scary at first. Some relationships may even fall away due to your change in behavior and you have to be OK with that. If your healthy boundaries are met with anger from the other person, rest assured they were benefiting sweetly from your people pleasing. After all, how dare you change the rules on them?!

Only you can protect your peace and only you can decide if you’re worth being treated with respect.

I hope you choose that you are!