Dontbeacrumqueen

I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.

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Dontbeacrumqueen

Codependency in Relationships

February 06, 2023 • Sher • Episode 35

In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Codependent Relationships”. Being codependent can affect all types of relationships but I’m going to share with you what a codependent romantic relationship looks like whether you are married, living together or just dating.

Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.

In a healthy relationship there’s a sense of balance between the two parties when it comes to meeting each other’s needs. There is an equal exchange of give and take. No one is in control and there are healthy boundaries in place. You both have a sense of independence and are able to maintain your own identity while still being “partners”. You know the difference between what is yours to own and what is your partner’s to own and you have no interest in carrying their junk in your trunk!

In a codependent relationship there’s a great imbalance. One person is usually “over-giving” while the other is “over-taking”. The “over-giver” or “caretaker” is the reliable one picking up the pieces and carrying the load of the relationship. Your strong sense of responsibility and lack of healthy boundaries puts you in a position where you take on things that aren’t yours and even make excuses for the “taker’s” poor behavior. Because you’re doing most of the work in the relationship and you sacrifice yourself to make the other person happy, it leaves little time for you to take care of your own needs and desires. Over time, resentment is quietly building as you feel like you’re being taken for granted, and you’re right, you are, but you’ve also allowed it.

The “taker” in the relationship is happily cruising along enjoying the fruit of your labor in the relationship. They are usually needy, emotionally immature or entitled individuals who rely on YOU to take care of them and to compensate for their lack of responsibility. When you start setting healthy boundaries in the relationship they will try to covertly manipulate you to get you to resort to your old “caretaking” ways. After all, that’s the way they like it.

So how does someone become codependent? As it is with most things, it usually stems from our childhood and the environment you experienced. For example, if you were required to be responsible (like an adult) at a young age, you learned to sacrifice your own needs to take care of others. If you grew up attempting to control your environment and avoid conflict, you developed a people pleasing characteristic (like me) which means you had no healthy boundaries and the thought of your partner being disappointed in you caused great angst. For others, they never learned how to process their emotions as they were frowned upon in the home leading them to “lean” on someone else to regulate them. All of which, by the way, are unhealthy behaviors.

I know for myself, I didn’t see the codependency component until my marriage became dysfunctional. It was only then that I realized how much I was operating in a “caretaker” or “over-giver” capacity. I absolutely put the needs of my then-spouse before my own trying desperately to make him happy (which by the way was never going to happen). Because of the emotional abuse that was taking place, the power dynamic in our relationship was completely unbalanced and I eventually lost who I was. Since then, I’ve learned to intentionally stay balanced in my relationship and not over give which by the way, is not always easy because I’m a loving, compassionate person by nature.

You don’t have to leave or end a relationship because of codependency however someone has to step off the dance floor in order for it to change. Healthy separation (or independence) is a good place to start. Create alone time for yourself where you can focus on your own thoughts and have time to self-reflect. Accept the fact that it is not your responsibility to make sure your partner is OK. That’s their job, not yours. If they covertly attempt to manipulate you trying to get you to take care of them, don’t play their game. Kindly decline. Be aware that this will cause a reaction from your partner. After all, they’re used to you taking care of them and now you’re changing the rules. Stand strong. This too shall pass.

And last but not least, rebalance yourself. Remind yourself of your value. You are good, you are kind, you are beautiful, you are smart, and you are very, very capable. Your needs are just as important as those who you’ve been serving all of these years. Don’t forget about yourself. You too are important.

I hope you take some time to think about who you are and where you’re going.