What We Tolerate in the Name of Love Artwork

Dontbeacrumqueen

I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.

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Dontbeacrumqueen

What We Tolerate in the Name of Love

January 23, 2023 • Sher

In this episode, I’m going to talk about “What We Tolerate in the Name of Love”. Love is probably one of the most misused and romanticized words when it comes to relationships. Regardless of whether someone is in a mediocre relationship or a toxic, abusive one, if you ask why them why they are staying the answer is always the same…because I love them…or do we? It’s a question I personally was challenged to find the answer to when I was in a narcissistic abusive marriage.

Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.

Love affects all ages. It doesn’t matter if you’re young, middle aged or older, we’ve all misinterpreted love at some point in our lives. I’m sure if I asked you about a relationship you called “love” but later realized wasn’t, there would be a person that would come to mind. Love is an easy word to throw around especially when we’re attracted to someone. When someone is making you feel good in their presence and they say and do all the right things to make you feel warm and fuzzy, your heart is full. They tell you they love you and you say it back or maybe you said it first. It’s nothing more than a powerful, emotional state of feeling in love. Unfortunately, it’s an idealized version of love which isn’t going to survive the long haul.

There can be other contributing factors, like our own unhealthy behaviors, that lead us to believe a relationship is love. Seeking to get our own needs met because of our dependency, like financial security or the answer to loneliness, is one way people get lured into feeling what they call love. The truth is they are acting from a place of deficiency, an inability to be content on their own. For others, well, they are just in love with the idea of being in love. Those gooey warm feelings that make us feel worthy and wanted, like an emotional high. Those feelings are more about our own desires than it is about the other person. It’s about what you want and believe you will get from being with this person. When you are operating from such a place of need, you’ll be drawn to someone who is “needy” and you will call it love. The fact is you are attempting to build your own self esteem in a relationship where you can feel in control.

Here’s the thing….Love is not a feeling it’s a decision. We choose it. We don’t “fall” into it. Love goes beyond feelings and remains even when those emotions begin to fade. Love is a promise. Love is support (that’s two ways, not just one). Love isn’t always sweet and yummy. Sometimes Love is hard especially when you need to speak the Truth. But Love seeks to get to know the other person in a deep, to the soul, level. It surpasses the physical and emotional attraction. Love is mature and void of manipulation. It is patient and kind and willing to let the other person go if that is what is best for them. Love respects the other person and is not dependent on them to make us happy. How we feel is based on our own acceptance of who we are. Love teaches us intimacy. We learn how to be vulnerable, transparent and understanding. Love is not self serving and controlling. Love works towards an equal partnership. Love trusts and it is gracious and giving with healthy boundaries. REAL love perseveres and doesn’t just vanish. Love is an investment. It evolves.

We’ve all watched the disintegration of relationships that carried the “love” label, my previous one included. But be careful of what you “tolerate” in the name of love. Tolerating bad behavior in a relationship because you “love” someone is not healthy. Chances are you are operating out of fear, guilt due to religious beliefs, self esteem issues, or codependency. I know this was true for me in several of those areas.

Maybe it’s time for you to re-evaluate how you define Love. Is love really the reason you are tolerating bad behavior?

Truly loving someone and being truly loved in return is a two-way partnership, not a one way. One person is not carrying the relationship. Both parties are equally invested. You may have deep care for this person due to how long you’ve been in the relationship and that’s ok. But don’t let it hold you prisoner if you find yourself tolerating bad behavior. True Love doesn’t tear down, it builds up.

We all deserve to be Loved well. It won’t be perfect, we’re not perfect. But it certainly shouldn’t include you tolerating negative or toxic behavior. That’s not love. That is settling.

I hope you take a moment and ask yourself the tough question – am I tolerating bad behavior in the name of love?

I trust you’ll find clarity and the courage to do what’s right for you.