Dontbeacrumqueen

I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.

All Episodes

Dontbeacrumqueen

When a Narcissist Gaslights You

August 08, 2022 • Sher • Episode 18

In this episode I’m going to talk about When a Narcissist Gaslights You. Out of all the tactics they use, this is one of their favorite methods of manipulation. It is very destructive for the victim.

According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary the official definition of gaslighting is: the psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence, self-esteem, and a dependency on the perpetrator.

Welcome to the dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.

One of the key things I want to point out here is that it is done slowly and over an extended period of time, so much so that the victim is unaware they are being manipulated and controlled. Using this method, the seeds of self-doubt have been successfully sowed by your abuser.

The narcissist’s goal in using this tactic is to devalue you. It fulfills two things for them; 1) they get a big ego boost and 2) it allows them to dominate the relationship. Although it may be subtle, they are destroying you from the inside out. As you begin to question your own sanity, they are sadistically smiling behind the scenes as their power over you escalates.

To give you an idea of what gaslighting feels like, I’m going to share a few examples. And although this is not a comprehensive list, the end goal is always the same. Control and Destruction.

Number 1: A narcissist will gaslight you through blatant denial and man are they good at it. It doesn’t matter if you were there to witness an event yourself or caught them in a situation, you are inevitably going to hear “that’s a lie” or “I never did that”. Once they deny the accusation they turn the tables and start attacking you so it becomes your fault. They’ll tell you you’re lying or crazy or you always make these kinds of accusations. The goal is to take the heat off of their behavior so they can become the victim and get you to question yours so you become the perpetrator. They’ve successfully skirted taking responsibility for their actions.

Number 2: Another way you may experience gaslighting is when the narcissist presents their behavior as “well intended” and they make you feel like you are the one distorting it into something else. For example, let’s say you are out to dinner together and they begin to blatantly flirt with another woman in your presence. When you bring it to their attention, they’re going to say something like “how could you accuse me of doing something like that when you know you are the love of my life?” What they’re doing is invalidating your feelings and causing you to wonder, am I really over-reacting here?

Number 3: Narcissists will gaslight you by offering back-handed compliments to cut into your self-esteem. They have a hard time supporting their partner’s success and will make comments such as “it’s great you got the new job but it’s a shame you didn’t get a higher salary”. Since they are secretly envious of you, this is done to leave you feeling like once again you’re never going to be enough.

Number 4: They will use your own words against you by twisting the meaning of what you said. They are trying to paint the picture of you being contradictory or insincere. For example, they may say “I thought you always said….” or “you were the one who wanted to…..” Oh how they love to spin the tops and get you feeling like you’re trying to solve a riddle. They love to use this technique to undermine your self-esteem and create doubt.

Number 5: As I’ve mentioned before, nothing is ever FREE from a narcissist. Every thing they have ever given you or done for you will eventually be held over your head. By creating a guilt trip using the comment “this is how you treat me after everything I’ve done for you?” they once again become the victim and portray you as the abuser. It’s a common, and a favorite, gaslighting technique. Don’t fall prey to the lie.

So what’s the best way to respond (not react) to Gaslighting? (check out Episode 11 where I go into detail about learning how to respond). First and foremost, stand your ground and set healthy boundaries. DO NOT, I’ll say it again, DO NOT engage in senseless conversation where you’re trying to defend yourself. You will never win. The narcissist will continue to turn the tables and you’ll be left feeling frustrated and angry, which by the way is their goal, to make you look emotionally unstable. It’s always a good idea to share less information with the narcissist. Don’t give them free ammunition to use against you later.

Gaslighting is by far one of the most frustrating tactics used by a narcissist for the victim. They are very good at planting the seeds of doubt within you but know this, you’re NOT crazy. Stand firm in the Truth and don’t engage in the game. Have your responses ready so you can disarm the narcissist. After all, it’s literally no fun for them if they aren’t getting a reaction from you.

It took me a long time to understand that I was being gaslighted by my ex but once you see it clearly you’ll be able to disengage from this little tool they use.

Follow me in the next episode where I’ll talk about “It’s time to Let Go”. I hope you tune in!