Dontbeacrumqueen

I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.

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Dontbeacrumqueen

What Cycles Are You Repeating?

April 18, 2024 • Sher • Episode 55

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the cycles we tend to repeat especially when it comes to relationships. I guess it’s because I myself have been enlightened through my own experiences to see how I was repeating patterns in romantic relationships.

Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.

Although everyone’s story is different, when we repeat cycles or patterns in relationships it always goes back to what feels familiar. Ever since we were little, whether we are aware of it or not, there are certain environments, personalities, and even methods of interacting within relationships that were established within us. When we encounter those same variables (whether healthy or unhealthy) in a relationship it feels comfortable. Unfortunately, that familiarity turns red flags into yellow ones. We may feel in our gut that something feels off but we don’t necessarily feel ALARMED because we’ve been here before. We know how to navigate this territory and we think we can handle it. And so, we press on; ignoring our intuition (which by the way is screaming at us), and we find ourselves in a very similar experience but with a different person.

Repeating cycles or patterns of behavior are not a conscious choice. It’s something that has been programmed into us for a long time. It’s only after we’ve been attracting the same type of people in our lives that wind up in heartache that we begin to ask “why?” What is it about me that keeps me in this pattern?

Unfortunately, we REPEAT what we don’t REPAIR and we don’t REPAIR it because we don’t SEE it.

It’s easy to excuse away our relationship choices so we don’t have to admit there’s something within in us that needs to be healed. For some weird reason, people equate healing with weakness but I disagree. I think it takes great strength to be Brave enough to open the door to Vulnerability and be willing to truly SEE yourself, wounds and all. This kind of healing is progressive and it usually happens in layers.

For me, that healing came through learning where I was stumbling in relationships, and why I was repeating cycles. It is THE KEY to helping me become intentional on changing the type of person I allow myself to be drawn to. I had to become rock SOLID in knowing what I needed (not WANTED) but needed in a relationship in a healthy way. If I couldn’t be honest with myself about that, I would continue on this merry-go-around of heartache and that could not be an option. That - I was done with.

My big “AHA” moment came when I reflected back on my experiences and realized that because I’m an empathetic, compassionate person, I gravitated towards the bad boy who was really a deeply wounded child on the inside. Their VICTIM stories of how they weren’t loved well and how life just isn’t fair regardless of how hard they tried really tugged on my heart strings. Because they were so good at crying VICTIM, it meant they never took ownership for their part in their own life. Somehow, it was always someone else’s fault or a company or a boss’s fault or just plain bad luck that seemed to follow them like a black cloud. It didn’t feel good to admit to myself WHY I kept attracting the same “type” of guy, but it was VERY necessary for me to see. Because you can’t change what you can’t see, right?

I would like to ask you, as you HONESTLY reflect back on your relationships, what are the things you see in yourself? Were you like me and found yourself being a sucker for the bad boy? Or did you tend to be attracted to people who were emotionally unavailable because that was a safe place for you? They didn’t demand much and it wasn’t too scary. Maybe, you always attract someone you can control because you never felt in control when you were young?

No matter who, or what, you find yourself attracted to I hope you’re in a place where you’re ready to ask yourself WHY? Why do I keep going after the same type of person and it never ends well? There is only one common denominator in all of this and it’s YOU. You alone have the power to redirect the path of your Life. It may not feel easy but I can promise you this, it will be worth it!

Be Brave, you deserve good things!