Whether you want to admit it or not, we all have patterns of behaviors that we established back in our childhood to survive the environment we were living in no matter how good or bad our experiences were. We ALL played a role in our families growing up. Problems arise, however, when we enter into relationships and these patterns get exposed. Dynamics change and break ups occur. We’re left wondering WHY our relationships never seem to work out for us or WHY we always attract the same type of person.
If you’re asking yourself these kinds of questions, then good for you! You are on the doorstep of making a choice. You’re either going to continue to bury your wounds in those patterns and deal with continued heartache or you’re going to get curious about the WHY. After all, you can’t change what you don’t see.
Because we’ve established certain patterns in our behavior, we unknowingly seek out what is familiar to us. For example, if you were abused or neglected as a child you are most likely (subconsciously) seeking out emotionally unhealthy relationships. In a strange sort of way, we are trying to re-create a safe place that we didn’t have as a child by controlling the environment in our adult relationship. By having this control, the thought is (again subconsciously) that you may be able to avoid the pain and rejection you faced when growing up. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.
The good news is that these old established patterns of behavior CAN be changed!
The first step is understanding the role you played in your family when you grew up and then reflecting on your own behavior now. This can be a tough one because it will require you to put your ego aside and be REALLY honest with yourself. No justifications about your behavior. No reasons why you do it, but stark honesty. The reward though is that self reflection leads to Awareness; Awareness leads to Healing; and Healing leads to Freedom; Freedom from those patterns that held you captive for years.
As a life-long learner myself, there have been some recent events in my own life that have caused me to once again go deep into self reflection to find the “root cause” of my own patterns and searching for the answers to my WHY. I’ll admit, it isn’t always pretty to SEE the Truth about yourself but, wow, it is SO VERY empowering!
What I’ve learned, in my situation, is that I tend to be attracted to the “wounded little boy” (you know, the victim mentality, life has been so hard for me and so unfair) and it pulls on my empathetic heart strings. I’m guilty of looking for the “potential” in someone which often leads to an individual whose heart is buried below unhealed wounds. This means the coping mechanisms they’ve adopted over the years, such as manipulation and narcissistic behaviors, are VERY unhealthy and VERY damaging.
I KNOW in my head that I can never Love someone’s wounds away and that their Healing is their own responsibility. But it doesn’t take away the desire in my heart to make it all better for them. My role as a “cheerleader” to my mother as a child, is what causes me to have a tendency to be drawn to these type of men who are still wounded and bleeding and can’t seem to find their way through the forest. It’s a FAMILIAR role for me but NOT a healthy one!
In order to break that pattern, I’ve become VERY aware of WHAT I’m attracted to and WHY. I still see potential in people but will not engage in a relationship with someone based on it. They’re going to have to have done the hard work within themselves to heal their own wounds before I would even consider getting involved with that person.
I simply cannot, and will not, allow myself to continue to be attracted to the very things that have caused me so much heartache in previous experiences. I’ve healed a lot and I continue to heal on this incredible Journey of self enlightenment.
I hope you take the time to sit quietly with yourself and get curious about the WHY behind your own behaviors. You deserve to be Loved well in a Healthy Relationship that is going to make you feel valued. You’re worth it. Trust me.
